Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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