I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
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