if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she smelled like a LAN party
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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