I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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