I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
