so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
