I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
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Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
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I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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