there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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