nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
