Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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