I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
