In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
