No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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