just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
