And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
