I just saw a hot homeless man
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
