why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
