I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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