I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
