True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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