The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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