I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
well most of my day revolves around power hour
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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