Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
