She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
