This is not my ceiling
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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