Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
