i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Randomize
