So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You took a bar mat shot.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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