i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
