Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
