I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
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You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
you had me at cake vodka
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
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I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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