I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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