I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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