I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
