how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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