Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
