You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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