If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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