After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
