I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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