I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
