Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
