a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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