just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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