she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
