Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
