im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
