"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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