St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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