The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
