The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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