A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
