y did u give ur computer a hand job?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!