I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
