he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
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Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
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Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!