I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
